The diary of a black girl

The days when I just wanted to run away and escape, not be here anymore, but it's hard because a lot of people couldn't understand what I was going through.

My mum didn't take the divorce with my dad really well, so she started taking drugs and all kind of stuff I didn't know, I was just a kid, I was 14, I began to skip school sometimes because my mum would come home really drunk and she would puke all over, I would have to clean up all night, sometimes I won't sleep, I would stay up looking after her, I was in pain, it got to a point we had no money anymore, I was angry at everyone around us, I saw children in happy homes, they got everything they wanted, why couldn't mine just be like that, why would i have to be so miserable.

My mum was taken to a rehabilitation center and I moved in with my aunt, she had two grown-up sons, I thought I would be taken care of at my aunts house but never did I know I was so wrong, I shouldn't have thought much, they made sleep in their small storeroom, even when they had so much money.

One night, I got raped by her first son, I begged, cried, shouted, but there was no one to help, there was no one there for me, I had no one anymore. I can remember that day so clearly, he had a look of satisfaction on his face 🤦🏾‍♀️he could have anyone he wanted but why me a 14 years old child. when he left, there was blood on the floor and on my cloth, I had to clean and as I cleaned I cried all through the night.

I couldn't help wonder what if my parent were still together, what if my mum didn't take drugs, what if I was born in a better family, what if, just what if.
I slept off that night crying, my aunt used to maltreat me a lot, one day she made do all the household chores more than four times, she said everything wasn't clean enough I spent all day washing and cleaning repeatedly, I had nothing to eat that day, she said I didn't deserve  breakfast lunch and dinner.
I went to bed hungry and her first son came again and he raped me again and again and again, I felt lifeless, I was in pain, I was hurt from within.

Soon enough the second joined, he would come some nights to rape too, I wonder how I shouted so loud but no heard.

One particular night the both of them came together and took turns, this time I didn't shout anymore, I just kept quiet and waited for them to satisfy themselves and leave.
when they left, I felt really sore, I tried to stand, but I staggered, I was weak, I felt like I was going to pass out, I managed to take myself out of the storeroom, I crawled on the stairs because I couldn't walk anymore, I couldn't raise my hands well but I managed to knock on my aunts door softly, when the door opened, I couldn't see who it was clearly because my eyes were teary, I heard her husbands voice, he asked what was wrong, I couldn't say anything, all I did was stutter and cry then my aunt came from nowhere and started beating me, asking what I was doing with her husband, couldn't she see I was in pain, doesn't she have feelings, isn't she a lady.
 I lived like this till I was 16 when my aunt and her husband became broke, I don't know what exactly happened to their business but it was not good for me, I became their new source of income.

They brought older men to the house to sleep with me, I became really skinny because I wasn't being fed well.
I got pregnant, I had multiple of abortions before I even turned 18, I thought about running away but where would I run to, I had no friends, I didn't know if my mum was out of rehabilitation or where my dad was I had given up on life, I was born to be useless.
customers weren't interested in me anymore, I became too skinny for them, my aunt considered me useless and threw me out.
It was raining that day, I walked on the street crying, I almost got hit by a car, the owner  came out and started yelling, I didn't care, I kept on walking forward but he stopped me and asked if I was okay, I looked at him helplessly, I saw he was an elderly man  he should be in his late sixties, I didn't know when I hugged him and started crying harder, he asked what was wrong, I said nothing.
He took me to his house, fed me, I told him everything that had happened to me, he felt sorry for me and took me as his daughter from that day I can remember when he said call me papa😫😭first time I was shown true affection in my life.
He had no family, he made me his only family, he gave me a reason to keep on living, I was emotionally disturbed, but he took me for therapy and multiple check-ups, it took years but I became fine again.
He died of heart disease, I was really sad, I felt alone again, he willed everything to me and he had lots of assets so I didn’t need to depend on anyone for the rest of my life.
I didn't get married I just couldn't but I adopted a daughter and showered her with all the love I couldn't get from my family.
dropping a song for the mood

Dear diary, that's all for now
xoxo Shuga
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