How break-ups change your personality

You’ve done everything and nothing seems to be working right, I know exactly how you feel, it’s really hard but you could make it easy for yourself.
 That was what i was told every single time my heart was broken.

I got heart broken a lot, ever since i was 15, i don't know if its because girls are really not into nice guys or they love the bad guys better.

When i was 15, i was really into this girl she was older though but she liked me and i liked her too.
It got to a time she started wanting more in the relationship, but i was just to young and innocent to reason s*x, i traveled and when i got back, i caught her in bed with her neighbor, my heart was broken but i quietly left without a word. Then next it was the girl i gave 800k because of love, didn't know she was a gold digger, i loved her so much but she was in for the money, then next, it was the church girl, She almost ruined me, never knew she was a hoe, she slept with everything and anything and always lied she was going to church for service,later girls would tell me men are scum, what gender is actually the real scumbag.

I practically gave up on love, all i did was to focus on work and my studies, i'm a programmer and i was in my final year when i met joy. she had everything a man could practically want in any girl, i didn't want to approach her because i didn't think i could love anymore, all the girls i came across had practically ruined me, but joy drew me like she was a magnet. she was calm, brilliant, beautiful, just name it,but i thought she was like other girls, i couldn't afford to get my heart broken again. I really wanted to hurt a particular girl the way other girls have been hurting me.

I wasn't that slim and lanky guy anymore, i had been gyming and taking care of myself, i made lots of money from programming and other stuffs, so i could practically take care of myself.

I knew if i had walked up to her, she won't tell me no but i wanted her to really fall in love with me, so i started by being her friend, to taking her out without asking her to date me.
 I was really nice to her, she didn't ask for much but i always offered her more than she could imagine. On her birthday, i celebrated it really big for her, it was the talk of the whole school, she was extremely excited but still, i didn't ask her out. I called her regularly to check up on her, walked her to her classes ,waited for her after class, but i didn't make any move towards her.
She told me almost everything, she even told me she was a virgin which i didn't believe.

I knew she was getting really attached to me and she really wanted me to ask her out, i had other plans. so i stayed away from her for a while so she would miss me, she called and i didn't pick, i didn't walk her to her classes anymore.
She kept on asking my friends were i was, she came to my house but didn't see me,she sent multiple of text messages to find out if i was okay which i didn't reply. she also sent sat outside my class to wait and see if i would come out but i didn't. I knew i was slowly driving her crazy and it made me happy.

I was sitting down under a tree chilling with my friends at school when she walked past us with her best-friend anora, she turned back noticing it was me she saw, she ran to me and hugged me so tight, she was so pleased to finally see me, i didn't hug her in return, she had a very bright smile on her face and she asked where I've been, instead of replying, i stared at her friend flirtatiously, then i drew my attention back to her, i noticed the smile on her face had disappeared, i was happy within me, " I've been around" was all i said to her, then i introduced myself to her friend and told the friend how beautiful she looked, joy looked extremely sad and her friend was giggling like a fool.

I friend-zoned joy totally and started doing the things i used to do for joy for anora, i could feel the jealousy from joy, but i didn't care, she sent a long message asking what she did wrong but i didn't reply.

I asked anora out in front of joy, anora was so happy and she said yes immediately, joy walked out anyways the worst part was i didn't feel bad.

I wasn't done messing with joy, i called her one day and pretended to be drunk, she rushed to where i was and took me home, then i kissed her , she didn't stop me, i told her i loved her and she said she loved me too, we made love that night and she allowed me, i found out she was really a virgin but i still didn't care.
The next day in school i pretended not to remember, i even kissed anora in front of her and called joy my best friend, i could see the tears in her eyes.

She came to my house that night again and asked if she had done anything wrong to me, she even begged me to leave anora and follow her, i refused, she cried for a long time till she couldn't cry anymore, then she left.

She didn't call or text for a week, she avoided me, i began to miss her so much and my relationship with anora became really boring, i got tired i had to break up, i didn't even care because i never loved her.
I felt empty without joy,i noticed i was madly in love with joy, i tried going back to her but she refused she was already happy in her new relationship. My joy was gone she now belonged to another.
I don't blame her though, i blame my foolishness.
Joy if you ever read this,
i want you to know how sorry i am,i still love you.

dropping a song for the mood

Dear diary thats all for now❤️
xoxo shuga
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